


When My Heart Stops Beating

by AllTheseLittleWritings



Series: You Wish You Could Paint Our Love [5]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Accident, Babies, Comfort, Crying, Family, Fluff, Future, Holiday, Hospital, London, Los Angeles, Love, M/M, closeting, friends - Freeform, planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 17:52:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4574076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllTheseLittleWritings/pseuds/AllTheseLittleWritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis plan a holiday together and everything seems finally okay. Until there is a car crash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When My Heart Stops Beating

"So I'll fly to London first, then we'll stay at home for a night and then we'll fly together to Stockholm?" Harry questions through the phone, while he prepares a breakfast smoothie: blueberries, apples, strawberries and coconut milk.

"Yeah, sounds good. Should we hire a driver there or rent one so we can drive to the cottage ourself?" Louis' voice crackles through the line.

"Maybe we could drive? It's not a long drive right? About two hours? And if it's a nice weather, what a better way to have a little road trip." Harry smiles while he pours the berries to the blender.

"You're right. Okay, so we have the tickets and we have the cottage. Anything else?" Louis yawns. His voice is a little down, clearly tired. Harry frowns, Louis' voice making him worry. 

"What are we going to eat there? Should we buy something or should we hire someone to buy things for us? So that we'd have everything already there?" Harry plans, trying to find the better solution.

"Let's buy ourself, so there will be everything what we want.." Louis sounds like he would be deep in thought.

"What are you thinking?"

"Just the food, what would be good there. And we haven't actually seen what the place is like, if there is a stove or not. Maybe we should also contact the owner, so there won't be any surprises you know?"

"Good point. Okay, so we need a car, make some sort of a shopping list and I can contact the owner of the cottage. I have to let her know our actual itinerary anyway." Harry tells, licking his fingers clean from the coconut milk that he poured over the fruit and berries.

"Okay! Yeah, I think we have everything ready then. You'll come here and then we can begin our own holiday." Harry can hear Louis' smile through the receiver. He is so far away, he has been for the last three weeks. They have seen each other at their concerts, had a little time of their own before and after every show. But then they have been separated again. Fortunately now they are getting closer to their holiday and the time seems like it doesn't matter anymore. Would it be a few days, a week, an hour, a second, a month - it doesn't matter now. Soon they'll be together again. God how much Harry misses Louis and his kisses and hugs and laughter and just him.

 

"What are you going to do later?" Louis asks when Harry has made a list of the things they still need to do for their trip to Sweden.

"Um, later I'm going to go to a party that Jeff and Glenne are hosting. Nothing much, just came from the gym and I'm making a smoothie. You?"

"I'm going to have a nap. I've been so tired today, maybe I'm getting sick or something. I'm going to drive to see mum and everyone. Like a day trip type of thing."

"Hug your sisters from me please? And give Doris and Ernest a huge kiss from me! Next when I'm around a bit longer, I have to remember to give them those booties I got them!" Harry cheers, smiling wide.

"Oh the ones with the animal ears and noses?"

"Yeah, those!"

"I know they'll fall in love with them like they fell for you." Louis says fondly from the other end.

"Think about it, if we'd have our own little child some day.." Harry wonders distantly.

"Do you think we'd be good parents?"

"Why wouldn't we be! You'd be the one who has no clue about anything, you'd just go with the flow. But you'd care and you'd have the biggest heart so it wouldn't matter. You'd be the dad who would let them go out on school nights when he or she gets older. I would get mad but in the end we would take it as an opportunity for a date night. I'd be the dad who would be over protective sometimes, but you'd balance it. I'd be the one who would know where the socks for the little feet are. We would take the child to playgrounds and play dates and we would be walking in a park with the child and we would be playing hide and seek or something. And then there would be uncle Liam and Niall who would come over and they would make the little one laugh those little baby giggles that you hear only when you aren't watching. And your and my families would take turns as babysitters when we want to go for a holiday, just the two of us." Harry paints the picture so clearly, that Louis can almost feel small chubby fingers grabbing his finger and not let go. He has to look down to his hand to see that there actually isn't a small baby by him. Or that the giggles that Harry describes aren't really laughed by a small mouth that doesn't have teeth yet.

"We'll be good parents, yes we will." Louis says quietly, smiling to himself. He can't wait to have kids with Harry, that's for sure.

 

”I'll call you later okay? I'll send that Swedish woman the email before I have to get going."

"Let's call tomorrow or text if it gets boring without me." Louis laughs. He feels so warm thinking about kids and getting to have them some day with Harry. They still have a lot of obstacles in the way but it doesn't stop him from dreaming about the future that is almost at their hands.

"I'll text you anyway, you know it." Harry laughs back.

"I love you. A week and we'll be together again." Louis tells him.  
Harry makes kissing noises to the microphone, making Louis laugh.

"Love you, bye."

"Love you."

Louis hangs up, leaving Harry smiling to himself. He starts the blender, putting the phone down on the table. The thought of seeing Louis in a few days gives him butterflies, even though he doesn't know why. Something is different this time. Maybe it's the talk about the future, about kids. But it makes Harry extremely giggly. He watches the blades mix the ingredients in to purple smoothie that soothes his eyes. Just a few days. And he'll get to hold Louis' hand again. And maybe keep on talking about kids.

\- - - -

Harry laughs with his mouth wide open, his eyes shut and his curls flying as he throws his head back. A loud cackle leaves his mouth, the small drunken state in his brain making everything more hilarious. Life is laughing with him, finally. Soon he'll be with the person he loves, they'll have a chance to be freely, now he is surrounded by his friends, he is happy. Life literally laughs with him, there is no doubt about it.

"Then she offered to buy me a new smoothie or a shirt because she was so sorry." Jonathan tells enthusiastically. He had been out today. Someone had bumped in to him, the smoothie splashing all over him and the girl.

"I said that she could buy me the smoothie, that the shirt doesn't really matter. That's how I ended up having a date with her, while my shirt was covered in mango smoothie, that looked like someone had taken a piss on my chest." Everyone starts laughing again, Jonathan looking pleased with himself, as he smiles and takes a sip of his drink.

Everyone are gathered on a couch, some people are sitting on the sofa, some on the hand rests, some on the floor on some pillows and cushions. Harry is one of the people sitting on the floor, he can see everyone from there.

 

"Maybe this is the modern love story." Simone says, lifting her hands up in the air like she was welcoming someone from heaven back to earth. 

"Maybe someone could write a book about it and then it would be turned in to a movie!" Charlie laughs, making everyone giggle with him. 

"You aren't taking this seriously, I really liked her! She had a great head on her shoulders, her smile was brilliant, her voice was happy, she was like a light summer wind!" Jonathan frowns, making everyone stare at him with content smiles on their faces. Everyone stay quiet, thinking about those small moments that mean so much to someone. How those moments can be life changing.

 

"How is it going with you and Lou? Is he coming to LA soon, we should arrange something when he is here too." Jeff raises his brows. Harry has to look down on his lap, the drink in a tall glass shakes silently against the edges. His smile is so big, even bigger than it was before.

"Everything is so good, we are excellent. Actually we are going to Sweden, we rented a cottage by the ocean. It's at some archipelago or something. We are going there for a week and after that I'll be staying in the UK for a bit. Haven't seen my family in a while." Harry nods, looking Jeff straight in the eyes.

"Sounds amazing! Why Sweden though?"

"Because it has always been kind of special to us. Some things happened there that made us.. Us." Harry tells them, seeing how everyone's attention is on him. Everyone are listening to him talking about his and Louis' relationship. And none of them will expose them or sell his happiness as a story to some tabloid. This will stay as his and Louis' story.  
A girl named Rina makes a flirty whistle from the couch. She has her eyes on Harry, her cheeks tight with a face splitting smile.

"It must be nice to get away for a while?" She asks, seriously curious.

"Of course it is. It's so hard to organize anything together or go for a trip together, because of the schedules and because of our management. We just have to be so careful with these things - that we don't talk with anyone who could spoil it from us or that we won't be seen anywhere. It's like we were normal people, who are just going for a holiday somewhere." Harry smiles tenderly back at her, Rina nodding, taking a sip of her clear drink.

"Someone really should write about you two, like a book or something." A man named Ross notes next to the couch. He is already pretty drunk. His eyes are lazy, his face carved with a never ending smirk. He has rested his head against the arm rest, his eyes falling shut from time to time.

"There already are books about them!" Jonathan yells. He looks almost offended that Harry's love life attracts more attention than his. It's not like he and Harry wouldn't like each other or that he wouldn't like Harry to be around. But when ever he is, Jonathan gets a bit jealous. He has used to be in the center of attention but now he sometimes has to share that with Harry.

"Well not really, because those books are completely fictional. Even though there might be some hints of the reality, like how they met or something, it doesn't mean they are realistic in a way how things have gone." Jeff defends.

"How do you know so much about those stories?" Shasha asks. Her purple chopped hair makes her look really edgy, even though her voice and persona is very sweet and innocent.

"Because I've read few!" Jeff laughs.

"You have?" Harry stares at his friend with wide eyes. His girlfriend Glenne walks from the kitchen, carrying a huge tray of drinks for all in her hands. She sits down next to Jeff, placing the tray in the middle of everyone. She leans her head to his shoulder. Her blond hair falls down his arm. Jeff leans his head to her head, them entwining their hands together.

"Oh he has. I had to listen to him turning from a professional to someone who believes that you and Louis are together even though he already knew that." Glenne nudges Jeff's arm, making people giggle silently.

"Why did you read them?" Harry's head keeps on coming up with questions.

"Well of course we have to be ready to know what kind of audience we'll be dealing with when you get rid of your current team and come under our wings." Jeff smiles. His smile is so warm. Harry's happiness grows even more and makes him believe that everything really will be okay, everything will turn out good.

Harry doesn't say anything, only smiles back. 

\- - - -

They drink a bit more, laugh a bit more and think about going out to some fancy bar. They are just about to leave, Harry having his other boot on his foot, the other still on its side on the floor. His phone rings silently in his back pocket, the noise almost staying unheard. Harry is sure that the caller is Louis, only he would call him in the middle of the night his time. Harry's smile doesn't falter when he gets the phone out. The number tells him that it's not his "love" from his contacts calling, it's someone else. And the call is coming from the UK.

"Harry." He answers, his voice coming out like he would've just ran a small marathon.

"This is Susie Jones calling from the Royal London Hospital. Did I reach Harry Styles?" The woman asks discreetly.

"Yes. Who was this again and where were you calling from?" His heart takes an uncomfortable leap. He certainly heard who the woman was and where she was calling from. Why would someone call him from a hospital in London? And the only reason is that something has happened to someone who he cares too much about.

"This is doctor Susie Jones from the Royal London Hospital..." The woman says something after that but Harry has lost his balance, his hearing disabled. He sits on the floor, his boot scrunching under his thigh.

"You okay there Harry?" Glenne asks, going down on his level. Tears stream down his face, him still not being able to say a word. His heart booms in his ears, making them ring. The uncomfortable feeling of fainting slowly fades away.

"Hello? Are you still there?" He hears through his phone.

"Uh, yes, sorry. What did you say?"

"I'm calling because mr. Louis Tomlinson has marked you as an emergency contact. He has been in a car accident and was brought to our hospital. He is unconscious but he isn't in immediate danger. He has apparently hit his head and we still have to find out if the crash has made any damage." The doctor talks calmly, clearly used to telling families that something has happened to their loved ones.

"Thank you for calling. Have you contacted his mother?" Harry asks, his voice shaky.

"His mother is here."

"Okay, thank you. I'll be there in a few hours." Harry answers, looking up at Glenne. He sees everyone's eyes on him, their expressions worried. He doesn't feel himself. Like Harry was trapped in his body, in his flesh and bones and blood. But he really isn't there, he is somewhere far away and the spirit has taken his heart beat away. 

 

"I'm really sorry to inform you this kind of news over the phone but I was told you are not in the country."

"Yes, thank you." Harry repeats.

"Just tell me, is he going to be okay?" Harry rushes. He can feel the call coming to its end.

"At the moment only time will tell. He still needs to wake up so we can evaluate if he has had a brain damage. The hit was quite hard. But at the moment he is in stable condition."

"Thank you."

"Thank you and I'll meet you when you arrive."

"Thank you, bye." Harry acts like a robot. His moves are stiff, the phone dropping on the floor. It feels like the tables have turned and his life is laughing right to his face, telling that everything will not be that good in the end of the day. 

 

Everything slows down, then starts to move extremely fast. His heart beats so furiously in his chest that it feels like it's doesn't even beat. His hands shake, his legs seem weak. But still he gets up, not really knowing what he should do. He keeps turning around, patting his pockets, not knowing what he should find from them. His head is empty, but filled with worry and fear and anxiety. 

What if Louis doesn't wake up? What if Louis will not speak ever again? What if Louis will not walk ever again? What if Louis can't have any feelings again? What if Louis can't see anymore? What if Louis doesn't remember who Harry is? New tears fall from his eyes, a loud cry flying out from his mouth. 

His head is spinning. His breathing is so hard that he starts to cough. The crying makes it even harder for him to get his throat clear from the lump that has taken over the space to let air through. He feels like he is going to break in half, his body and heart separating. His heart is being crushed by sorrow. 

What if he is going to lose Louis? What if the words they said this morning were their last? What if he will not hear his voice again, see his eyes again, feel Louis' hand in his, feel his fingertips against his cheek or hear Louis' whispers in the morning or the sweet confessions of loving in the middle of the night when he thinks that Harry has fallen asleep. 

What if, when he goes back to London, their home will be empty, the memories captured by the walls and the pictures, Louis' clothes in their hangers, but he wouldn't be there anymore? He wouldn't be in this world anymore? What if the talk about having children is only a dream that will never happen. The small foot steps against the floor will not be heard, the small hands grabbing their fingers will only be a creation of their imagination, the little laughs only heard in Harry's head in deep sleep. What if?

 

"Who was it Harry? What has happened?" Jeff asks, holding onto Harry's upper arms. He stops turning, staring at Jeff with panic.

"What has happened?" Glenne stands up to hold Harry's arm too.

"I think he's in shock.." Rina states from the sidelines.

"Harry what has happened?" Jeff tries again, smoothing his hands up and down Harry's arms.

"It was from a hospital.. Louis.. Louis' been in an accident." Harry manages to say, new sobs breaking out again.

"Is he okay?" Glenne asks worriedly. Harry only shakes his head, slumping down against the wall and falling down.

"I don't know. He is unconscious and hasn't woken up." Harry finally tells them after a while. Jeff is kneeled in front of him, his hands never leaving Harry's jumper covered skin.

"Does his family know what has happened?"

"Jay is there.." Harry breathes, wiping away the tears.

"Jay?" Jonathan asks quietly.

"Johannah, his mom." Jeff turns and enlightens him. Jonathan nods.

"Could you call her, to know if there has been any changes? Or if she would give you a bit more information than what the people from the hospital told you?" Glenne suggests.  
Harry looks at her for a long time before he starts to pat his pockets again.

"Here." Jonathan hands him his phone, Harry taking it.

 

Harry searches Jay's number, calls and presses the phone against his ear. It rings for a long time.

"Harry?" A tired voice answers with a sigh.

"Is he awake?" Is the first thing he can ask. The only thing he wants to know is that he hasn't lost Louis.

"No, still sleeping like he is just dreaming about something." She says, clearly being with him. Harry hears the heart monitor beeping from the background. 

"Are you coming here?"

"Of course I am!" Harry cries, almost angry.

"Harry, he isn't going to die. They just have to figure out why he isn't waking up." Jay tells calmly. Her voice is strained. Harry can almost see how tired she must look. She must be next to Louis, holding his hand or stroking his hair.

"I'll get a plane ticket and come home. Call or text if something happens okay?" Harry hiccups, tears still rolling from his eyes. Knowing that Louis isn't alone and that there is someone special next to him gives him relief.

"I will Harry, I know that he would want that too." She sighs, but it's not a sad or tired sigh, it's more like to tell that Harry is part of Louis' life and that she is happy that they have found people so important for each other.

"I'll text you the flight info when I get one."

"Harry, just come home. I'll text you what ever happens. Just come here as soon as you can."

"I will, call you later."

"Bye"

 

"What happens now?" Jeff asks, his hands still on Harry.

"I'm going home. I just have to figure out how."

"I'll take care of that, okay? You just go home, take anything you need with you and then you'll have everything arranged. Okay?"

"No I have to leave now, Jeff! I don't need anything from home when I have a home in London too. I just need to get to Louis!"

"Okay, well I'll call to the airport right away and hope that there would be a place left or you could get a private plane."

"What ever it takes.” Harry stares in front of him, only seeing legs of the other people in the room. They are all turned towards him, different heels and sneakers telling who is who. But Harry can only see shoes, not the people who are wearing them. 

 

Harry sits and waits. His hands shake, he can't stay still on the chair, that Glenne pulled for him and sat him on in the kitchen. Harry keeps his eyes on his phone that lays on the table in front of him. Like he could make this all go away like it was just a nightmare. That Louis would call him. Their call from the morning keeps replaying in his ears. Louis sounded so tired. Was it the reason why he crashed? Harry should've told him to stay home. To not go when he was that tired. 

The others are sitting in the hallway, quietly talking. It seems that people have burnt the alcohol from their bloods, no one is giggling or telling funny stories. They are all worried about Harry, who is losing bits and pieces of himself as long as he has to wait for news or getting on a plane. 

 

The time moves incredibly slowly. It's driving Harry insane that he can't do anything. He has texted Jay a few times, but she hasn't had anything new to tell. Louis is still sleeping.  
Harry texts Liam and Niall who are at home visiting their families. They asked Harry to tell them when he know more and that they would come see Louis when Harry is back in London. They sent him hugs through messages, but they don't feel the same as being actually hugged. Harry also texts Louis' publicist, because the news is going to break at some point. And he has to be ready to confirm it. 

 

"I got a ticket for you. It's in first class and we have to go now. You know you have to get your passport and maybe some other essentials?" Jeff rushes from his study.

"Let's go then." Harry gets up, his head light. He has to stand still for a moment before his eyes can see again.

"You okay?" Glenne has her hand on Harry's shoulder as he waits for his sight to return. 

"Just a head rush." Harry tells and pushes his phone in his pocket. He still has only that one boot on his foot, Glenne handing him his other shoe.

"We are going to leave now too. I hope your boyfriend gets better." Jonathan tells them quietly.

"Thank you." Harry answers, looking at all of them. It feels like they are all trying to send him some power to get through this.

"Let's not stand here, we have to go now so Harry gets in the plane."

They go outside, Glenne staying after to wait for cabs for the others. Jeff drives Harry home and helps him pack some shirts and his toiletries in his shoulder bag.

"You have your passport?"

"Yeah yeah." Harry shows the booklet to him and puts it in his back pocket. He takes a jacket from a hanger and they leave.

 

The lights brush Harry's cheeks as they drive in the dark night. His eyes glitter, the darkness making deep shadows on his face. He texts Jay that he will be in London the next day at seven in the evening. The words bounce in his eyes. He has to check his writing many times before he can send the message.

 

"How are you feeling?" Jeff asks in some street lights, that just turned red.  
"I have nothing.... I feel nothing. I just have to be there." Jeff nods at Harry, but doesn't say anything more. He can feel how tense Harry is, because it fills the whole space.

 

"Let me know what happens and how he is when you know?" Jeff asks before Harry can leave the car at the airport.

"I will."

"He will be fine." Jeff touches Harry's arm, pulling him in a hug. Harry closes his eyes and wants to believe his words. But because he still doesn't know how Louis is, it's hard. Harry doesn't say anything more, just gets out and walks away and inside the airport. 

Ten hours in a plane and Harry knows that it's going to be like someone would be whipping him with a belt made of glass shards. It will cut deep and beat him to pulp. He should be someone who would stay strong but can't when he knows how serious the situation is. The what ifs start to play tag in his brain again, making everything even more unbearable.

\- - - -

Jay is there to pick him up from the airport. She hugs him, both of them squeezing each other as hard as they can. It's weird how Harry almost instantly gets a feeling of Louis being there with them.  
They start to drive in silence, the sun setting behind clouds painted with different blues. Harry feels like he isn't really there even though he is feeling everything. He sees the streets of London, he smells the air, he feels the seat under him, he hears the faint speaking in the radio. But still his brain isn't here - his brain is going through memories of him and Louis and the times that could be their last.

 

"How is he?" Harry dreads to ask the question. He is afraid what the answer might be.

"He woke up this morning. Only briefly though, but he woke up." Jay tells quietly.

"Why didn't you say anything earlier or text me?" Harry turns his upper body towards her.

"Because he just opened his eyes and looked at me. And you couldn't check your phone on the plane could you?” Jay eyes Harry quickly, hurt in her eyes. Harry calms down, closing his mouth not to say something with a raised tone. 

”He didn't say anything. The doctor came to do some tests and he responded well. He squeezed the doctors hands hard, he followed the light that she showed to his eyes. But he didn't speak. And then he fell back asleep." Jay talks calmly. She is clearly trying to contain her emotions, but her shell of a body doesn't hide her worried features or the tiredness in her eyes.

"The doctor said that it's a good sign that he woke up and that he understood what the doctor said and did what she asked. It's a good sign Harry. They did a brain scan at around noon and it showed that he has a severe concussion and that they are going to keep him at the hospital for at least two more night. But I have my hopes up. Louis has always been strong, he has always gotten better. I remember when he was a child and he fell from a tree. He cried but in the same evening he was laughing again, like he wouldn't have hurt himself. For the next couple of weeks he had a black eye but it didn't matter to him. Harry, he will be fine. This is just another black eye." Jay tries to console but Harry can read between the lines. She isn't all convinced that everything is going to be fine.

Harry knows that she is worried that Louis hadn't said a word when he woke up. And it worries Harry too. What if one of his nightmares comes alive. What if he will not hear Louis speak again? Sing again? He even misses their arguments - will Harry ever hear Louis lose his temper again? Have that little rasp in his voice when he yells? But more importantly, will he ever hear Louis say I love you? Will Louis ever have those different tones in his voice when he tells Harry about his day or little details about things he sees?

 

They arrive at the hospital. Harry's skin crawls with goosebumps as he hears the sirens of an ambulance. They walk in, Harry carrying his shoulder bag. They pass people who are waiting to hear news about their loved ones. Some are carefree, reading magazines, talking with the others. Some have taken a seat away from the others. They stare at points that have become their life line in a time when they are alone but would need someone to be there. Harry is really grateful that Jay is there, that she has been with Louis. Of course she has, Louis is her son. But that she is here down in London when she has her other children to care about too.

 

"Do you know how it happened?" Harry asks, as they round a corner to some aisle that is full of doors to private rooms.

"I tried to call him when he didn't call me when he was already supposed to be back in London. A paramedic answered and told me that apparently he had crashed in to a car in front of him at the highway.” She stops talking when they can hear a girl scream in agony in one of the rooms. 

”He was really tired when he left. I suggested if he would've stayed for the night but he insisted that he needs to go home because he would need to do some writing. So maybe he fell asleep while driving. That's all I know." Jay tells him, as she slows her steps down. She stops behind a door, looking Harry in the eyes.

 

"Would you like to go in there alone?" She asks, her features becoming heavy again.

Harry nods, feeling the burning of his eyes, tears forming and dropping like pearls down his cheeks. He can feel Louis, that he is behind that door. That he is in the same place as Louis is, in the same space as Louis. Jay steps aside, letting Harry put his hand on the door handle. He takes a deep breath before he turns it.

Louis lays in the bed, his hands on top of the duvet. His upper body is a little lifted. His eyes are closed, two stitched up wounds on his forehead over a deep purple bruise. Some scrapes are decorating Louis' hands and arms with faint bruises that are still making their way to his skin. A heart monitor beeps next to him, telling that he is really alive. Some tubes travel to his left hand and needles are poked under his delicate snowy skin.  
He looks calm, just like he was sleeping. Harry sets his shoulder bag on the floor and takes slow steps to him. A plastic chair is next to the bed, not too close but not far away either.

Harry touches Louis' feet. They are cool even though they are covered. Softly his fingers travel up his leg until he finds Louis' hand. He traces lines to the skin, like drawing a map from his thumb to his little finger. Harry moves his hand up Louis' arm, gently touching the fabric of the hospital gown. It's white, soft blue dots all around it. Harry's fingers find Louis' chest. He lays his hand flat against Louis' heartbeat. It ticks slowly like a clock.

Harry moves his hand to Louis face, his hand settling on his left cheek. Harry bends down, pressing his other cheek against his right one. Harry feels how the tears from his eyes roll to Louis' face, like they were his. Harry doesn't say anything aloud, just thinks about how much he wishes Louis will be fine. That he hopes Louis will wake up. That he will speak. That he will know who Harry is.

Harry presses a gentle kiss between Louis' brows, holding his forehead against his for a while. He moves gently, not wanting to hurt Louis', not wanting to cause anymore pain or discomfort.  
Harry sits down next to Louis', dragging the chair a little closer. He holds Louis' hand, Harry laying his head on the edge of the bed. His curls are next to Louis' fingers, his temple right against Louis' skin. And now he waits.

\- - - -

A soft hand caresses Harry's head. It's coming from the wrong direction. It's not Louis. Harry blinks his eyes open, the room dark. There is only a soft light surrounding him, Louis and Jay in the room from the bedside table.

"Is everything okay?" Harry asks quietly. He hadn't even noticed getting tired nor falling asleep. Louis looks still the same, like a sleeping beauty. 

"No, you can sleep. I just wanted to come here and give you a good nights wish." Jay smiles calmly, sighing as she eyes Louis. 

"Where are you sleeping?"

"I'll be in the hallway. I can't sleep anyway, I'm having too many nightmares." Jay tells Harry. He looks up to her, taking her hand in his, both of them gazing at Louis.

"Sleep well Harry. Take care of my boy." She says before she squeezes Harry's shoulder gently and leaves.

 

Harry rests his head back down next to Louis hand. His eyes look at Louis' face, the same mellow expression on his face as when Harry saw him the first time in this bed. Louis is sleeping all his dreams at once, Harry thinks. The thought brings fresh tears to his eyes. Harry cradles Louis' hand between his, burying his face against it. The tears rain down on Louis' skin.  
"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up." Harry whispers, his eyes trained on to Louis'. He wishes Louis would just open his eyes and recognize Harry. But it doesn't happen.

\- - - -

Harry wakes up slowly. He feels like he is in another world, he literally has no idea where he is. Until the memories from the past hours come crashing back. It wasn't a bad dream, it wasn't a nightmare that could be forgotten. It's all real, and the nightmare still continues. 

But Harry doesn't move. It's not because he would want to stay still or because he would still want to sleep. But because he feels someone playing with his hair. Harry doesn't want to move because he is afraid that he is still sleeping. That his imagination is playing tricks with him. But the feeling of fingers against his scalp or them gently pulling his hair or them curling his hair between their fingers doesn't go away. So Harry moves, just an inch. His hand touches Louis' thigh, it warm against Harry's fingers.

"Morning unicorn." Harry hears a whisper. That can't be his imagination talking.

"Is it really you? Are you awake?" Harry closes his eyes, not wanting to get his hopes up. He almost knows that the whisper will not answer back.

"How long have I been out?" The whisper asks. Harry's eyes shoot open, him turning his head to look at Louis, who has his eyes half shut. His mouth is a little open. He licks his lips constantly, clearly his mouth is very dry. He looks so vulnerable, like he was many years younger. Like he would be very small. Harry stands up carefully. He caresses Louis' cheek, who looks up to Harry. 

"Hi" Harry whispers back, smiling gently. A huge wave of relief washes over him.

"How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts like hell and I feel like I've lost my limbs somewhere. How long have I been here?" Louis' voice is rough. His tongue clicks against the roof of his mouth. Harry takes the plastic cup of water from the table on the side and gives it to Louis, who already has his hand ready. Harry secures his movements by holding the bottom of the cup gently, when Louis tips the edge to his lips. 

"Two days. Can you remember anything?"

"I went to see the twins. And then I left. Is mum here? I thought I was awake at some point? I feel like I saw her?" Louis speaks slowly. He gives the cup back to Harry, who puts it back on the table. 

"You were awake and she is here. Let me ring in the doctor." Harry almost grabs the buzzer in his hand, when Louis' hand lifts up and takes a hold of his shirt sleeve.

"Don't yet." Louis' slow voice is panicked. 

"Why not?" Harry pulls his brows together. 

"What happened to me? I can't remember." Louis' eyes roam the room. He is trying to look for evidence.

"Umm, you were driving home and I guess you fell asleep while driving. You hit another car, and you hit your head. You have a concussion." Harry explains to Louis, speaking softly. Louis looks up to him, breathing slowly.

 

"You weren't here before." Louis says after a moment.

"I woke up and you weren't here." He says, tears in his eyes.

"I came here yesterday evening. You were still asleep when I came in. I got here as soon as I could." Harry takes Louis' hand in his. Harry sits back down, so close that the steel pipes of the bed dig to his knees. Harry kisses Louis hand, every finger and his palm.

"I'm here now and you are going to be okay. Let's take it slowly okay?"

"Okay." Louis replies, turning his eyes to the ceiling.

"What can't you remember?" Harry asks. Uneasiness rises in his chest, blocking his airways.

"When I was driving.. I saw just black.. And everything was black.. But I was thinking something and it made me really happy.. And then I can't remember anything after that.. I guess that is when..." Louis scrunches his brows together. He is deep in thought, his voice quiet, low. He is clearly over thinking, trying to remember what happened that evening.

 

"I'm going to buzz the doctor, so we'll be sure everything is okay." Harry tells Louis. He has been watching Louis, not letting go of his hand that warms in Harry's palms. Louis nods, his eyes still looking sleepy. He moves his toes under the covers, looking at them. He is very careful with his movements. Harry can see that he is nervous, scared almost, of what is happening to him or what might happen. He is afraid of what the doctor might tell him.

Harry holds Louis hand, when the doctor asks him questions. What is his name, when was he born, tell something about his family. She checks how his eyes respond to light. The blue seems shallow, the light reflecting away from them. Jay stands at the foot of the bed, rubbing Louis' feet through the duvet. She smiles, looking relieved but extremely tired.

"Everything looks good, but I still would want to keep you here for one more night. The worst seems to be over. There wasn't any signs of brain damage in your ct scan. You have a concussion that can cause nausea, headaches, mood changes, light sensitivity, amnesia and you might feel dizzy. But that is completely normal concerning the severity of the head trauma. How are you feeling otherwise?"

It takes ages for Louis to answer. He looks at the doctor, then at his mom and lastly at Harry. His eyes stay on him for a while longer, before he slowly turns his head towards the doctor again.

"I have a bloody headache and I feel sleepy." He only says before he turns his eyes back to Harry. Harry brushes his fingers over the top of Louis' hand calmly.

"If you have anything to ask or the pain doesn't start to ease, ring me again. I'll come back later when I'm doing my evening rounds. But at this moment there isn't really anything I could do. Just rest and if you need anything, I think you have people here to help you." The doctor smiles, patting Louis' shoulder. She says goodbyes to him and Harry, Jay leaving with her.

 

"I'll call Liam and Niall and tell them that you've woken up." Harry gets his phone out and calls. Louis watches him the whole time. He looks confused, like he was trying to see something deep inside Harry. Like he was looking for something. And the look Louis is giving Harry scares him.

Liam and Niall are both happy that Louis is getting better. Harry tells them not to come if they don't want to. He tells them that it's not necessary, not when he is there and Louis is still trying to recover. That it's best if he gets to be in peace. Louis pulls his brows together at that, wanting to say something to both of them. Harry puts Liam and Niall on speaker and Louis tells them both that he will be fine and that they'll meet when he is feeling better. Louis speaks so slow. He closes his eyes, covering them with his hand.

Harry also calls his mom and they talk for a while. Harry keeps his voice low. Louis looks like he is in pain by Harry's voice and the early light that streams through the window.

 

"Do you want me to close the curtains?" Harry asks. He already can see the answer before Louis nods at him. As the room becomes darker, the sun light not penetrating the curtains, Louis lowers his arm to his side, breathing more easily.

"Are you hungry?"

"Not really. Just very tired."

"You can sleep, I'll be here." Harry sits back down next to him, taking Louis' hand in to his.

"Thank you." Louis whispers, closing his eyes. Almost immediately his heart beat slows down, his breathing flowing in and out deeply. Everything isn't right, not yet. Harry is afraid that this isn't something that will go away. That Louis will stay like this, his eyes not twinkling, his speech slow and quiet, his cheerfulness streaming out of him with his slow breathes. That Louis won't be Louis anymore.

\- - - -

Louis sleeps. He sleeps and he doesn't move. He doesn't sleep talk, he doesn't change side in his sleep. Again he is like under a spell, that will make him sleep all his dreams at one go.

"I can stay here. You go for a walk." Jay orders Harry, as the evening arrives. Harry's back is stiff, his eyes not used to seeing light anymore. He wouldn't want to leave, he promised Louis to be there. But Jay almost pushes him out, telling him that he needs food and some alone time. So he goes.

 

Harry ends up going to the toilets, splashing his face with cold water and looking at his eyes through the mirror. The green in them looks dark, like they weren't even green. A light shade of pink covers them from crying, new tears falling from his eyes every few moments. His skin looks grey, dark circles under his eyes defining his other features. His hair is dirty, the strands falling flat. Harry ties it up, making him look at least a bit more together than he was before. But the worry is still there, the fear and the deep love that hurts with every heartbeat. His love feels everything and it makes everything feel even more painful.

Harry wouldn't like to eat, but still he gets some fruit and a sandwich from the cafeteria. He returns to sit in the hallway and eat his food when no one is there.

 

He is halfway through with an apple when he hears steps coming closer. He looks at the arrivals from the corner of his eye, seeing a young boy, a man and a young woman walking closer. The woman is holding the boys hand. A bouquet of flowers are in her free hand. They walk closer, forcing Harry to properly look at them. And they are already looking at him. The threesome stop before they are too close but they are clearly here to say something. Harry puts the apple down on the seat next to him, looking at the three people.

"Can I help you?" He asks, trying to sound polite. But his voice comes out tired and strained. It sounds like someone else was speaking, even to Harry's ears it sounds odd. The people don't answer back, just stare at Harry.

"Uhh, we were.. Uhh.." The man starts to mumble. He doesn't get the rest out. His cheeks turn pink. He starts to rub the back of his neck with his hand. The movement reveals some bruises on his arm.

"We are here to see Louis Tomlinson. We were in the car that he crashed in to and we called the ambulance." The woman says when she sees that the man can't finish.

 

Harry blinks his eyes a few times. He eyes them and he must look like a deer in headlights. He doesn't know what to say, what these people think. They see Harry, who is supposed to be in LA, who is supposed to be only in the same band with Louis, not in a relationship with him. And here he is, sitting as the only person from the whole band. They see Harry with dirty hair, with his usual skinny jeans and a black jumper covering a white tee. They look at him not knowing what to do.

"Is he okay? Is Louis okay?" The little boy asks. He is hiding behind the woman's legs. He peeks at Harry, his blue eyes twinkling like they were full of stars. If that is even possible under the fluorescent lights.

"He had a concussion. He is there with his mom." Harry tells them, his voice shaky.

"Is he.. Going to be okay?" The woman asks.

"At least the doctor says so." Harry sighs, setting his eyes on the floor. He can hear small steps coming closer. He can see in his line of vision the little boys feet. He walks hesitantly, but still comes to Harry. He places his small hand on Harry's knee, the touch igniting something in him. Tears start to fall down freely, the feeling of the boys hand so strong and so full of meaning that it overwhelms Harry.

"He will be okay." The boy smiles.

"You are here to make him better." The boy continues. How does the boy know to say those words? How does he know what they mean?

 

"I'm so sorry." The woman finally comes to life, her cheeks stained with tears too.

"It's okay." Harry rasps, before the woman comes and takes the boy away.

"Thank you." Harry turns his eyes to the boy, who has such warmth in his deep blue eyes that it's mesmerizing.

"When mum died, it made her better when we were there." The boy says. The man gasps, Harry's eyes wide open.

"Robbie, that's enough. No one is dying." The man comes to Robbie and takes him in to his arms.

"I'm so sorry, that's not the right thing to say."

"No I.. I'm sorry for your loss." Harry sighs, standing up.

"Are you okay, after the crash? Did something happen to you? Can I help you in any way? Maybe pay the bill of your car when you get it fixed?”

"We are fine, we survived with some bruises on our knees and arms. And we have a car insurance so there is no problem. We just wanted to come and ask if he will be fine and wish you a good recovery." The man tells, clearly being sorry about what Robbie said. Harry nods, his features serious. The woman looks at him, constantly swallowing hard.

"But he will be fine?" She asks.

"Yes, he will." Harry tells them and somehow, some of it sinks in. Even though Louis would have lost a part of him with the crash, they would still be Harry and Louis. They would still be together, they would still be in love. They would be okay.  
The woman smiles shyly, her cheeks red.

"We are going to go now, hopefully his recovery is swift." The man says. Harry nods at his words.

"Thank you." Harry tells them. 

They wave goodbye and start to walk away. The girl takes a hold of Robbie's hand again and looks down. Her hand jerks forward, her stopping right on her track. She turns around, leaving the father and Robbie standing with shocked faces.  
She comes running back, handing Harry the flowers.

"I forgot these. I hope these will cheer him up." She says. The big blooming daisies look like little suns. Harry takes them from her, and watches them. He touches the petals on one of the flowers and looks up to her.

"He will love them." He smiles. She almost beams with his answer.

"Everything will be fine in the end." She tells Harry, reaching her hand to his arm and squeezing it once, like she would be giving him a message.

"Thank you." Harry thanks once before she walks away. She walks slowly, her legs clearly shaking.

 

"Who was that?" Jay's voice asks behind Harry, the door ajar. Harry turns slowly around, the girl taking Robbie's hand in to hers once again.

"They were in the car that Louis crashed in to. They came to wish Louis a quick recovery and asked how he is." He tells her, deep in thought. The thought of the girl knowing something was up is so strong that he can't stop thinking about it. She must know.

 

"Louis' asking for you." Jay tells him, attracting Harry's attention.

"He's awake?"

"Yes, has been for a while." Harry looks at the flowers and then smiles at Jay.

"We'll be fine." He says, Jay eyeing him puzzled.

"Harry, would you mind if I'd go and slept at your house tonight?" She asks, closing the door after her as she walks in to the hallway.

"Yeah, sure." Harry gives her the key, before they hug.

"You'll be more than fine." Jay tells him, rubbing her hand in a circular motion on Harry's back.  
She leaves, Harry waving goodbye before he walks in to Louis' room.

 

It's dark, but the bedside lamp has been put on. Louis sees Harry walk in and his eyes light right away. A small smile takes over his features, his eyes tired.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Where did you get the flowers?"

"The people from the other car, the one that you crashed in to, came here to wish you well." Harry tells him. He goes to a cupboard and takes out a vase. He fills it with water and unwraps the flowers. He sees a small white envelope attached to them. He takes it off and puts the flowers in. He brings them next to Louis, on the same table that the lamp is on. Harry places the envelope before the flowers, leaving it unopened.

"Pretty." Louis says quietly, Harry smiling.

"Wait." He realizes he left his food on the chair. He leaves Louis for a second, only to return with the half eaten apple, some other fruits and the rest of the sandwich. Louis watches him place the food on the chair next to him, Harry sitting on the edge of the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Harry asks as he continues eating the apple.

"Weird, still tired. But in a way better." Louis walks his fingers up Harry's thigh, them settling on top of it.

Harry finishes the apple, not hungry anymore.

 

"Would you like to sleep?" Harry looks at Louis, seeing some change in him. He has gotten a little color to his cheeks. 

"Please?"

Harry moves the food away from the seat and sits down.

"I'm here." He tells Louis, taking his hand in to his once again.

"Sleep next to me?" Louis asks, pleading with his eyes.

"Do we fit?"

"I think so." Louis scoots to the other side carefully, moving his head against the pillow slowly.  
Harry stands up and takes his boots off. He gets in the bed next to Louis, wrapping his arm around him. Louis nuzzles his head against Harry, closing his eyes.

Harry closes his eyes when he hears Louis' falling asleep.

\- - - -

"Harry. Harry wake up." A light shake to his shoulder makes him open his eyes. Louis has tears in his eyes. As soon as Harry finds him through his sleep, his features soften.

"I remember." Louis only says.

"What do you remember?" Harry pulls his brows together, brushing the tears from Louis' cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"What I was so happy about. I was thinking about our future. What it would look like. I was almost like painting it in my head. I had all these memories in my head that would turn in to our future. And it's so beautiful. And I remember thinking about a lyric or a tune that I wanted to have on paper. That I don't remember anymore. In a way it doesn't matter. Because I was so happy with only the thought of our future that maybe it's better that I didn't get to put it in words or in to music." Louis tells Harry. His voice isn't as monotone as when he had woken up before. He speaks with urgency, like he could lose the memory once he would close his mouth. He has a flickering spark in his eye. And he is beautiful telling Harry his memories even though it might be a bit broken.  
Harry smiles before he leans down and lightly kisses Louis' lips.

"I think about it too." Harry whispers. Louis nuzzles his head in to Harry's neck. Harry can't stop smiling as he thinks about it - the future. The thought doesn't let him sleep so he only listens to Louis sleep.

 

"I want you Harry. I love you Harry. I want to marry you. I want to dance with you. I want to fight with you over what movie we should go see. I want to laugh with you when we are painting walls in the kids room. I want to have kids with you. Many kids. I want to have a dog and a cat with you. I want to grow old with you. I love you so much Harry." Louis whispers after a long while. The words are totally meant for sleeping Harry, not the one who is completely awake. And now he will not fall back asleep in any way. Harry isn't sure if he should say something, if he should pretend that he didn't hear it. But the love takes over.

"And I want that all with you." Harry whispers back. Louis doesn't say anything, only freezes in Harry's arms.

"We'll do it all." Harry assures, kissing Louis' forehead. Louis comes even closer, lifting his hand to Harry's neck.

"We'll do it all." Louis assures, before he seals the words with a kiss.

\- - - -

Louis sits in a wheelchair, his back towards the door. He has his legs crossed in the ankles, his elbows laying on the arm rests. He looks at the bed, that is illuminated with light from the window. It's already late afternoon so the light isn't that bright. It's cold and gray.  
Louis eyes the bed, the sheets tangled. He is still confused of what happened to him. The time in the hospital is a blur of voices, lights, echoes, silence, touches, dreams and coldness. His head is a little tilted, while the bed stays the same even though his thoughts change. 

The headache is still there but it's not that bad. Maybe it's not that bad also because he is pumped with painkillers and he could fall asleep. They make him so sleepy. So sleepy. 

”Louis, ready to go?” Louis shakes out of his light nap. Harry walks in, Louis' meds in a white paper bag. 

”Lets stay for a moment.” Louis drawls. Harry is doing something behind his back, he can only hear his backpack being closed and opened. Louis continues watching the bed, but his mind is wild. 

 

”Can you sit on the bed?” Louis asks Harry. He can hear Harry put the bag down and then he is there, walking in front of him. 

”Is something wrong?” Harry wrinkles his forehead. His lips are wet, just licked. He sits on the bed, barely on the edge. Louis stares at him, not saying a word. What he was about to say starts to fade from his mind. It's just a red little thread when he realizes that he has to say something. 

”I was thinking that.. Maybe.. We could.. Uhhh..” His determination crumbles. The thought about rings and tuxedos and greeting guests and wows and talking about first real love makes him terrified of the thought. Of talking about it aloud. Maybe he could practice talking about it. So he could hear what he is in reality asking. If it's not completely delusional. Marriage his more courageous side tells him in his mind. 

Louis is almost sure what Harry could answer. But he is still so young, they both are. But they have been together for so long too, they have been living together since forever. So he is almost sure of what Harry might answer, but there is a doubt that makes him fear the outcome. If it will not be something that could be all roses and pink skies and sunsets and sunrises and birds chirping and blue skies. If it will be more like thunder storms and lightnings and tears and darkness and empty beds. 

”I was thinking that maybe we could get pizza for dinner.” Louis sighs, his mind having cold feet from asking Harry the one thing he would want to ask. Maybe it's not the time. 

”What ever you like Louis, we could have twenty pizzas if you like.” Harry starts to smile relieved. His eyes twinkle and his smile lights something in Louis. 

”I love you.” Louis says with a too nervous voice. It comes out squeaky, more like he was asking it. 

”And I love you.” Harry stands from the bed, kissing Louis briefly. He gets back to packing Louis' things in to his backpack. The torn shirt and the bloody sweatshirt. 

Louis feels like a failure. He has never been this scared to talk about something in his life. And he has always shared everything with Harry. He has never been afraid to talk about things that would normally make him embarrassed or that make him angry or things that he would much rather leave alone. But he has still talked about those issues and they have always figured out a way to solve the things. And the same is with Harry. They trust each other. They can share things with each other.  
But this time Louis can't open his mouth. How much he would want to open his mouth, ask the one thing he has on his tongue, scream it from the top of his lungs, from the bottom of his heart. But he can't open his mouth. 

 

”You want to read the card that was with the flowers?” Harry asks when he has packed everything.

”Yeah, you read it. My eyes hurt.” Louis smiles weakly. 

Harry walks past him, stroking Louis' head lightly. He sits on the bed, lifting his other leg to rest on the mattress. He opens the little white envelope with careful fingers. He unfolds the little card that also has pictures of daisies. Harry clears his throat, his cheeks a little pink. 

”I bet the girl wrote it.” He says, looking up at Louis, like warning him. Louis lifts his brows in question before Harry begins to read. 

”We hope you a quick recovery and all the best.” Harry stops abruptly. 

”Does it say something else?” 

”Uhh.. We hope you have someone special by your side taking care of you.” Harry swallows.  
Louis giggles lightly. 

”Does it say who are wishing me these things?” 

”Yeah, it's Scarlet, Robbie and Michael Frank.”

”Good thing that I already have someone special by my side taking care of me.” Louis reaches his hand to touch Harry's knee. Harry grins, putting the card back in to the envelope. 

”We have to find out where they live and thank them.” Louis suggests. 

”Sounds good.” Harry laces his fingers with Louis'. 

”Now, please let's go home. I want to go and sleep in our bed and eat pizza.” Harry nods at Louis, putting the envelope in his pocket, taking Louis' backpack to his back and rolling Louis out of the room. 

\- - - -

Black Converse hit the pavement. It's a gray day, a few drops of rain falling down from the blank sky. The girl has her black hair in a ponytail. It bounces against her back. Her shoulder back is heavy with books, that she ordered from online. Mainly stories she has made in to books. 

She can see her house. Her feet take the few last steps before she gets her keys from her bag and opens the door.  
Mail lays on the floor. She picks them up. A magazine, that she pushes under her arm, some bills, advertisements for a sale in the grocery store. And an envelope that only has their family name and address. No sender to tell who it's from. She looks at the envelope in confusion, taking the mail in to dining room. She sits down, dropping her bag down next to the chair. It hits the floor with a thud, the books falling out. But she doesn't care. 

She opens the letter carefully, her blue eyes eager to see what is inside.  
And it's a card. The girl tilts her head to the picture. It's a skyline of London, very beautiful, bathing in sunset.  
She turns the card around, her heart beat thumping in her ears eagerly. 

”Robbie, Scarlet and Michael Frank. Thank you for the flowers and well wishes. I'm very grateful of your help and concern after the crash. I'm sorry about your car, but I heard you have an insurance that will cover it. I'm sorry and thank you. Here is a gift card to a restaurant in London. I hope you are well and thank you once again. Thank you. Thank you. Louis and Harry.” The hand written words talk.

Scarlet stares at the card reading the message again and again. She can't close her mouth. She checks the envelope, a gift card to some fancy named french restaurant inviting the whole family to eat. Her mind is doing back flips until it breaks out as a loud mixture of screams and laughter. She jumps up and down, not knowing what to feel. Excitement? Happiness? Craziness? Her eyes are tearing, the streams pouring down her cheeks. She is so happy but at the same time so overwhelmed that it's too much. Unpronounceable words bounce in her head and that is all she can think about.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii! Thank you for reading :) Tell me what you think!


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